A few years ago, maybe about 5-6 years, I had become severely depressed. It didn’t happen overnight, I was unhappy for many years and I remember feeling like I didn’t belong in this world and that I always saw myself as a shadow, unimportant and worthless, like my life was never going to amount to anything. I came from a poor family and we had always struggled a lot. It felt like a never-ending battle. I had placed myself in relationships looking for care and love and for someone to make me feel happy and to take away my burdens but I felt like it made things worse for me.
I found myself wanting to get married for the wrong reasons just so that I can build a new family, one where there was love and laughter and happiness, just how I envisioned it should be. At this time, I was attending university and was trying hard to make something out of myself because my family had sacrificed a lot to put me through school, so I pushed my thoughts and feelings aside for a semester, then go on vacation, then do the same thing during the next semester. The university I attended was outside of my country so for vacation, I would go back home. During this time, the symptoms of my depression would heighten and all the emotions I bottled up during the semester would just spill over. My appetite was gone, I lost a tremendous amount of weight, I was self-medicated to put myself to sleep so I didn’t have to think about what I was going through. I didn’t trust my mind and I wanted to avoid any bad thing from happening, basically I didn’t want to exist.
So this was what I did for a few years, it was a very dark time in my life. I kept telling myself that I didn’t belong here on earth, this place is not for me and I needed to get out somehow. The thought of ending my life was real and was contemplated many times, but I knew that would have crippled my family and cause them a lot of sadness.
Now somewhere along this road, I had accepted Jesus as my Savior in my heart but didn’t quite understand many things. All I knew at this time was that He had spoken to my heart and I didn’t reject His Voice. One night I wanted to know the story of Jesus’ life here on earth and I found this movie online. I guess it was a popular movie they showed around Easter time every year on TV, but I never watched it or maybe I did as a toddler and don’t remember it.
It’s strange the things that stand out in a person’s mind in general. The only thing that stuck with me from that movie was what Jesus told his disciples at the very end of the movie when He said that He would be with them until the end of the world. That was all I remembered and kept in my mind. I told myself that Jesus said it so it has to be true. He must be with me, and somehow I would be ok. I didn’t see how, though, but I took it to heart. I felt like those words were the only thing that really kept me going during the day. It was like taking a deep breath every time I felt stressed.
The story goes on further, but for now, I just wanted to share this part of one of my darkest times with you just to testify to you that God’s Word has so much power in it. At a time when I was living in darkness, He saw me and took care of me for He had a purpose for me. He truly is the great Comforter. I write this with joy, with gratitude, with love for Him. My trials were real to me, when God revealed Himself to me that was also real and will forever remain real to me. The world can deny it, but they can’t take away that experience I had with God. I count each trial a blessing and all are precious to me for I know that God said in His Word that all that he loves, He chastens.
God bless you,
Sister Felisha,
Trinidad